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Y .Sunday, May 13, 2007.

i hate my life!!! that's what I wanna tell all of you. I dont want to post this blog on my multiply account coz its quite awkward (everybody on my contact list would be seeing my sarcastic explanations & that would make me feel bad if they'd probably think something not good about it.) well better if I wont post it there right? Its not that I'm not being real about everything, about my emotions and what I truly feel. But I feel so awkward thinking that other people are quite concern about my situation & when other people get to be involved in my own problems when in the first place they never ever were engaged in. Seriously, I want to die right now. I thought everything would fall on the right track when I do & decide this thing, when I risk all of it. But it seems my thoughts are running on the wrong road. I'm beginning to be pessimistic. I can't find the right person who'll get to understand me when I'm feeling down. I thought he was the one but I'm afraid to say that he was'nt. What he wanted was to be happy always. But I couldn't do that. Im so sorry to be a certified human who could have the up's & downs in life. I really2 need a friend right now. Someone who isnt scared to fight with me, someone who could cry & lend a shoulder, someone who could give me wise advices, and comfort me till sunrise, I'm seeking for that person. ( even if he/she could just spend an hour for me) that would be very ok for me. I'm not saying that I'm not satisfied & contented with him but he isnt a good friend for me. I realized that he isnt the right person to confront to when I need someone else. Im happy when I can release all my emotions here.(coz i dont have a real friend who can listen to my thoughts so i prefer to write over what I have in mind & in my heart) I think I have given up everything. My pride, my self, and most esp. my heart. But why do I still get hurt? Isnt it enough? I loved him deeply and I'm afraid to say this "Im nothing when I'm not with him" Im afraid the day will come when he have to leave me. Why do I have to fear something in my life? I remembered that I have that same fear back 4 years ago. I was trying to be optimistic but my intuitions were right. He left me.that was my first heartbreak & After that I never had a serious commitment not until he came into my life. I was so blessed to have him coz what I was praying to God of the ideal guy that I wanted came to be so true. I wanted him so much & i loved him more than anything else. I just pray that he wont leave me hanging in nowhere. From now on, I promised myself to change everything in my life & that includes my attitude & how I give my impressions to other people. I think I have to pretend that I'm always happy & that no one could ever hear & see me cry. I have to imagine that I'm going back. I need to be strong coz no one can help me. I have to.. i really have to



YYY
  • shattered -
    7:12 AM